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It’s Been A While, So Here’s a Novel

Hey, it’s been a while huh? Like over a month… sorry about that, but I haven’t had much to say.  However, with 2012 rapidly coming to an end, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, and today I have a lot to say. I’ll break this up with some random pictures of what I’ve been up to lately so it’s not complete word vomit, and hopefully it will make sense. Here we go.

Hosting Friendsgiving 2012

It’s no secret that 2012 was a pretty shitty year for me, especially the last 6 months of it. I bought a house with my significant other, then almost exactly one month later he broke up with me. What I thought was my life, and going to be my life, crumbled out from under me. He hurt me so much, not only with his actions, but with the words that followed, that I had a hard time remembering who I was and what I ever liked about myself. There were days when I physically could not make myself get up out of bed, I cried for months, and survived on 2-3 hours of sleep a night aided by Unisom and wine. There were times when everything just hurt so much that I couldn’t handle the pain only being on the inside, when it felt better to hurt on the outside too, and then not only did I feel pain but shame and embarrassment.

Celebrating my sister’s 24th birthday by dancing my ass off

Slowly but surely I crawled my way out of that dark hole I was living in, and one day not too long ago realized I was finally starting to feel happy again. I was finally starting to feel like me, and not the me that I was in the beginning of the year either. The me from almost 3 years ago, who would go out and dance like a fool in bars and not care what anyone though, who enjoyed the life they were living and wasn’t waiting for something else to start and make it better, a me who was finally starting to have confidence in herself again.

Thanksgiving Day with my family

It doesn’t take a genius to see that I have extreme issues with insecurity, and I’ve never kept that a secret here, but I never really thought about why until recently. Sure I was unpopular when I was younger, didn’t have that many friends, and never really found a group I fit in with until college, but a lot of people go through that. Why was it so much harder for me to get over, and just accept that maybe people do like me? I had a thought the other day, and maybe it’s way off base, but when you’re with someone for a long time, and that person is constantly feeding you things like “You only got that job because you’re pretty,” or “You only got that job because your family knows people,” and “There was probably someone uglier who deserved it more than you,” it’s bound to do some damage. I wish I was just referring to the last few years too, but that’s garbage I’ve been hearing since I was 16.

My issue with my looks, and only being acknowledged because of them became all to clear to me when I drunkenly lashed out at a co-worker last week. We were at our holiday lunch/dinner/night of drinking, and all he kept saying the entire day was, “You’re so pretty,” and I lost my shit. At which point I had to explain that I was sorry, but my whole life I’ve been made to feel like I don’t actually deserve where I’ve gotten, and sometimes I just want to hear “you’re funny”, or “you’re smart” and that I don’t want to hear “you’re so pretty”. In no way do I mean this to sound conceded or narcissistic, but sometimes you just want another kind of compliment that has nothing to do with what you look like, especially if you’re me apparently. Sometimes I sit around and wonder if people actually like me, and I feel like not everyone does that.

work holiday gathering last weekend

About a month or so ago I found myself developing feelings of non-hate for a member of the opposite sex. Those feelings are not mutual, so it’s not a huge deal, but we had some pretty good conversations in that month. This person said something to me one night that knocked me on my ass, for a few days if I’m being honest, and left me with a lot to think about. What exactly was said isn’t important, but it made me think about myself, and how I am around my friends, and how I am when I’m not in a giant group of my friends. I’ve written before here, how somehow in my group I’ve gotten this reputation as bitchy, and mean, and evil, and so I guess I’ve been trying to live up to it for years. In reality, I am a giant nerd, who wishes she lived in a musical, and tries really hard to memorize Ludacris’ verses in songs, and who gets so nervous before hanging out with a guy that I typically spend the first hour in my head telling myself not to say anything dumb. This person and I have been friends for like 7 years, and it only took 3 weeks of really talking to help me realize something that I probably never would have otherwise. I just need to stop trying so hard to be what I think people want me to be. It’s exhausting, and clearly not working for me or anyone else.

So here I am now 5 months post break-up, and doing pretty well. Sure someone I like doesn’t like me back, but hey what can you do. I will never again beg a man to stay with me, or try to convince them they should be with me because 1) it doesn’t work and 2) you just end up feeling like a giant loser and embarrassed for yourself down the road. Sure I still hurt sometimes; in fact I cried in my car just last week when Alan Jackson’s- Remember When came on the radio, but it didn’t set me back a week. I cried, pulled it together and continued on with my evening. I can look at pictures without feeling a stabbing sense of rage or sadness, just a feeling of nostalgia for what was. Most importantly I’m remembering what makes me happy, and what I enjoy doing, and if it’s dancing so hard I fall down in a bar and wake up covered in bruises, then so be it. I’m not 100% back together, but I’m getting there, and there’s a light at the end of the tunnel that’s making 2013 look bright.

 

 

How Many Ways are There to Say Sad?

So yesterday my roommate and her boyfriend celebrated their 1 year anniversary. While I love them and am so happy for them and it reminds me of how amazing it is to be so happy and in love, it also reminds me just how miserable and lonely I am right now. How I still love someone who doesn’t want me, and who more than likely hates me and everything about me.

As I flipped to the October page of my calendar yesterday, I was faced with a photo from last October of Darren and I carving pumpkins, and immediately thought about that weekend. I stared at the picture for a while, thinking about just how happy I was then, and how nice of a weekend we’d had together, and how excited we were to only have a year of long distance dating left. It’s amazing how different things can be in a years time. Then I did this, because I may actually end up going crazy if I have to look at that picture for the next 30 days.

Sometimes when I’m driving home at the end of the day, I have these wild fantasies that when I get there he’ll be sitting on the porch waiting for me, like I live in a fucking romantic comedy or something. Yesterday was one of those days, and as I was imagining such a ridiculous scenario, this song came on my iPod and I completely fucking lost it. Basically…

And now I miss everything about you
(Still, you’re gone)
I can’t believe it, I still want you
(And I’m lovin’ you, I never should’ve walked away)
After all the things we’ve been through
(I know it’s never gonna come again)
I miss everything about you, without you

It’s even hard for me to watch my favorite show, Sons of Anarchy, right now. He got me into it, we would watch it “together” every week and call during every commercial break and text when something crazy happened. Last week when the craziest of all crazy things happened, I found myself picking up the phone to text him out of habit, and realizing I had no one to send that text to anymore.

It’s sad, and I’m sad… all of the time. It’s been almost three months and I can’t snap out of this or get over it. I feel like I’m not in any better of a place than I was in July, and I can feel my friends getting sick of me talking about this over and over. I cried myself to sleep last night, and then woke up 4 hours later unable to sleep any longer. I’m so tired of all of this, and just plain tired in general. When does it get better? I try to think back to my last hard break-up and feel like I was so much better by the 3 month mark. Maybe this is just a bad week…

Yup, Still Depressed

So, I haven’t blogged about anything really break-up related in a while and there’s a reason for that. Pretty much everything is exactly the same as it was two and a half months ago. I still am half owner of a house I will never live in, still waiting to get my money back, and I still struggle to get through just about every day of the living hell that is my life. I’m still sad, all of the time (I cried in the middle of a restaurant last week), and I nearly have a panic attack every time my phone makes a noise because I’m afraid it might be a text coming from him, and they usually don’t say anything nice or uplifting.

I’ve logged onto the Verizon website numerous times and put his number onto the “block” list, but I haven’t been able to pull the trigger and hit submit.  I also realized, after going on about 4 dates, that I am definitely not ready to be dating anyone. Number one clue was that I was inadvertently dodging any kind of contact and cringing if it happened. So that’s on hold until I can actually feel emotions besides rage and sadness again. A friend asked me how I was doing the other day, and the best answer I could come up with was “depends on the day, anywhere from train wreck to fine.”  I really think that’s the only answer right now, and I want to feel better than “fine” someday soon.

Despite the cloud of depression constantly hovering over me these days, I still managed to have a fun weekend. Just like last year, the roommates and I threw a family BBQ that involved lots of wine and delicious food.  Photo montage coming at you in 3…2…1…

Hopefully the ridiculous faces I’m making in the pictures help counteract the depressing first part of this post. Happy Monday?