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A Case of the Sads

So, it’s safe to assume that anytime I go missing from here for an extended period of time it’s because I’m having some sort of mental meltdown. I haven’t blogged since last Thursday, which I think in the nearly three years I’ve been doing this, is a record.  Do with that information what you will.  Because internalizing my issues just makes me a nasty bitch, I thought I’d finally talk about them here.  But the main point is just this, I am very unhappy.

I hate the way I look right now, and cringe at almost every picture I see of myself.  This wouldn’t bother me so much if I wasn’t working out 4 days a week and eating nothing but grilled chicken, vegetables, greek yogurt, egg whites, and fruit.  Seriously, I eat so well, work out a lot but cannot seem to lose a single pound.  If anything I just keep putting them on.  It is the single most frustrating thing, and I’m really about to lose all hope.  I feel disgusting in my body and avoid mirrors.  Yup.

I do not look forward to coming home at the end of the day.  Maybe there’s a certain age when everyone gets too old for roommates, and maybe 27 is that age for me.  I tend to stay at work until 6:30 at night, whether it’s actually at my desk or in the gym, just to put my arrival home at the end of the day as late as possible. I feel uncomfortable in my own home, and like I have to walk on egg shells not to annoy anyone.  I’d go home every weekend, or somewhere else at least, if I didn’t have the cat back with me now.  She hates the car.

Compounding my sadness about my current living situation is the fact that I now officially have somewhere to live that I’d much rather be, but can’t.  Darren is getting all moved in and settled and painting things, and buying things, and I get pictures of it.  Our bedroom is painted and has furniture and I can’t be there to see it or use it.  Sure I’ll be there in a week for a visit, but then I’ll leave again for two months before I can go back again.  It’s my first house too, and I want to be able to be there to fix things up and see it and make decisions regarding paint colors and furniture.  Instead I just shop online and ship things there, and it’s not that fun.

I know most of these things will take care of themselves eventually, but when I think about trying to get through 6-8 more months I want to curl up in a ball and cry.  Anyway, thanks for indulging my complaints.  I do have some pictures, which are fun, so let’s take a look.

The benefits of your S/O being a professional painter, free painting! That ceiling fan already has a replacement, it’s black.

I realize those paint colors look a little blue, but they’re not.  We used Sherwin Williams City Scape below the chair rail and Sherwin Williams Argos above.

Furniture in the room

I posted about the furniture we chose already, but now you can see it in the actual room.  I initially didn’t want it under the window, but it fits the best this way, and with the headboard we have actually works because it still lets in the light.  The furniture is also black, and do I wish we had white trim and windows? Yes, unfortunately I lost the battle to paint the trim in the entire house. Sigh. Oh, and patio furniture!

I know the orange cushions may look a little ugly, but I’m convinced they won’t be that bright in person, and if they are, well it was $399 for all of that so we can buy new cushions.  Anyway, so that’s what I’ve got for you today.  Sorry for being such a downer after having gone missing for a week.  Happy Thursday?

In a Rut

Lately I’ve been feeling like I’m in a huge life rut.  Normally I try not to bitch and moan too much on here, but there comes a point when you just need to let it all out or you explode.  So yeah, today is that day.

Rut # 1 is my job.  I’ve been working at the same place for almost 3 years, and receive nothing more than I did when I started.  I’m a contracted employee which means I’m not technically a “real” employee of my company.  I don’t get paid sick time, it took me 2 years to acquire 10 vacation days, I don’t get promotions, raises, benefits, included in company holiday parties, or to do summer hours.  With summer rapidly approaching, the last one is really annoying me.  The rest of the “real” employees are given the option of working an extra hour a day every other week and getting that every other Friday off, but not me.  There was supposed to be something in the works for me to become a “real” employee but nothing has been said about it for over a month.  So frustrating.

Rut #2 is my leg.  I never ever thought I would miss running so much in my life.  I’ve been injured since January 31, and the lack of running and exercise in general is slowly driving me insane.  The slow and steady weight gain over the past few weeks isn’t helping either.  Lately I find myself going through extreme exercise guilt if I don’t go workout.  Last night my knee and hip were just feeling off, so I didn’t go swimming and it killed me all night, even though somewhere in my head I know it was the best decision in the long run.  There are so many time I just want to burst into tears in frustration.

Rut #3 is my personal life.  I never planned to live at home for this long after college.  Next month will mark three years since I graduated, and I’m still at home with no foreseeable move out in the future.  I have three friends in the area where I live, and  I met them through work.  One is engaged, one lives with her boyfriend, and one is about to live with her boyfriend, so they’re all very busy girls which leaves me with a lot of time on my hands to do nothing.  Almost every single friend from college lives in the Northern Virginia area, and they are all together, which constantly leaves me feeling alone and left out whenever they talk about weekend plans or weekday happy hours.  Then there is the latest, the bf is moving six hours away to go to law school in August.  While I’m very happy for him, six hours by car is a lot different from an hour and a half train ride, and it’s going to be a lot harder to see each other.  On top of which, there is no way for our relationship to move forward now until law school is over.

So there it is, the things that bring me down on a daily basis, sorry to be such a downer today, but sometimes it’s just impossible to find something cheery to write about.  Ok, moving on to better things like food!

The “real” employees attended a luncheon at PF Chang’s yesterday afternoon (I was not allowed to go) so naturally I was craving Chinese food all day and decided to give in.

Steamed pork dumplings, a vegetable spring roll, and chicken lo-mein.  It was delicious and the first time all week I had take-out so I didn’t feel too guilty about it.  The only thing now is the huge amount of leftovers in my fridge, good thing the bf is coming to visit today, I’m sure he’ll take care of that.

I have PT tonight, at which I fully tend to express my concern about feeling like shit this week, and then I’m picking up the bf from the train station.  It’s supposed to be a great night so I took some chicken out of the freezer to defrost to have a bbq later.  I promised the bf I’d take him out to dinner to celebrate law school, so I think we’re going to go somewhere in Philly on Saturday.  Philly girls, any suggestions?  I also think we’re going to the zoo :).

Alright that’s all from me today, I hope everyone has a great Thursday!  Oh and P.S. Modern Family and Cougar Town were fantastic as always last night!