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Half the Time you were Together?

Hey, remember that time I was supposed to move to Wisconsin like 4 months ago? Well I didn’t (clearly) but it seems their weather has moved here for me. I can’t remember the last time I was still wearing my winter coat and scarves in April, and I haven’t needed a pair of flip-flops once yet this year. This just will not do. Apparently, on average, March was colder than December. Fun fact of the day.

Speaking of Wisconsin, I was out with one of my guy friends recently and he was asking me how I wasn’t over what happened yet. He didn’t understand how almost one year later I could still be so upset by what happened. I tried to explain to him, that for the most part I am over it. There’s no more crying in bed day after day, I’m not still holding out hope that it’s all just a bad dream, I don’t want to just lay in a bathtub with a jug of wine listening to Phil Collins. Well ok, I do, but just for fun. Not because I’m so deeply depressed that anything else seems like too much work. Note to self, next place I live must have a bathtub.

I told him, in a traditional sense I am over the break-up. Does that mean I didn’t nearly vomit and simultaneously almost crash my car when his phone number popped up in a text 3 weeks ago? No, and in fact I don’t think I stopped shaking for a good hour after the two text exchange, but isn’t that normal? The thought of him dating someone else (which I’m almost positive he is) makes me nauseous and angry enough to punch a wall, but that has more to do with how he’d always preach that I’d have a new boyfriend in two weeks but he has no interest in dating anyone but me. (Side note, I haven’t had anything remotely close to a boyfriend since him, which is the longest time I’ve been single in the history of my dating life.)

I explained that mostly the issue I’m still dealing with is, that when someone knows all your deepest insecurities about yourself, and then says them out loud to you, just to be mean, it takes a long time to bounce back. Those are the moments I still relive when I think about our break-up. The shock and disbelief at some of the words coming out of the mouth of the person I cared for most in the world. That’s what’s burned in my brain, and what I try to forget every day. However, the hurt of having someone you trusted most with all your fears and insecurities then using them against you to knock you down is indescribable. That’s what I’m not over.

Even now, just writing this post, my heart hurts thinking about it. There’s only so many times my friends can tell me that what was said wasn’t true, that I can tell myself  it’s not true, but that one voice is still the loudest in my head. I don’t think there’s any formula to dictate when I should fully be over this and moved on, despite an episode of Sex and the City telling me there is, and if it takes me longer than other people think it should too bad for them. It takes a long time to build back up from the lowest of lows, and when I get there, I get there.


Self Improvement

Hey, hey, hey and happy Tuesday to you! I had off yesterday for President’s Day, and as the first day off since the Christmas holidays it was mucho appreciated. I thank you all for your feedback on my last post, I’m going to try to start updating more and see how I feel about it. I do like writing here as it makes me feel like much less of a crazy person, but I still get a little uncomfortable since it was such a point of contention in my last relationship.

I had a lovely V-Day date with my roommate, we got our nails done and drank beer and ate wings. Personally, I feel every holiday should include beer and chicken wings, but that’s just me. Her and I also had a great conversation about how we generally feel like we’re getting ourselves more together lately, and how much better we’re feeling because of it. I’m working on three years of living in Arlington, and only feel like I’ve given it a real chance recently. For the first two years all I could do was countdown until the time when I could leave and move away, and I think it really fucked things up for me. I didn’t let myself become close to the people I was around all of the time, and as a result they didn’t let themselves become close to me.

I’ve been making more of an effort lately to see people, and hang out, and get to know people and it’s paying off because they’re finally getting to know me too. I’ve gotten a lot of “I had you pegged completely differently” lately, and I’m getting invited to things I almost surely wouldn’t have a year ago. Does that mean I have 5 weddings and 2 baby showers between April and October, yes, but I’m excited! My roommate, Adrienne, was away for the long weekend and I usually would have used that as an excuse to not go out and do anything. Because ya know, I can’t go alone, but I didn’t. So with that in mind, let’s dive in.

Friday I drank all of the Bud Light on the planet, while playing darts and other bar with some of my work friends. I can usually muster a pretty decent game of Cricket, but saweet jesus was I on point on Friday.

This was my second double bull in a row, I went on to hit about 6 more

Jen and I... I look fat and stumpy next to her

Jen and I… I look fat and stumpy next to her

I was home by like 10:30-11 which meant I was up by 8:30 on Saturday. I had no intention of sitting around the house all day by myself doing nothing, so instead I took myself out on a little date. Sure, I wore my glasses but it was nice! I hit up the Courthouse theater, which is amazeballs with it’s reclining leather seats and saw Silver Lining’s Playbook. I really liked the movie, especially all the Eagles nonsense and Brad and Jen (not theeeee Brad and Jen RIP) are super cute together on screen. After the movie I went to dinner, and sat at the bar alone eating and drinking, until my friend Sharon joined me a few hours later.

wearing glasses out totally threw me off my game btw

wearing glasses out totally threw me off my game btw

Sunday did involve lots of lounging around, until I ventured out for trivia that night. I wasn’t the only one who thought a Sunday night trivia adventure could be fun, because 16 of my friends also showed up. We had a great time taking advantage of the Monday holiday. Even though we all SUCKED at trivia. Now I’m not sure if this makes me sad or just adult-like, but the best part of my weekend involved things I purchased for the house yesterday. One was a rug that I’ll show you once I get it (or you can go look at AP’s because I copied her since I want to be her 😉 this is not news to her) and the other was a 5 drawer organizer for my bathroom.

I'm so organized, it makes me ridiculously happy

I’m so organized, it makes me ridiculously happy

Anyway, that’s your weekend update. This week looks to be pretty standard, I’ve got a bridal shower and bach party this weekend that I’m looking forward to, but that’s about it! Hope y’all are lovely!

How Many Ways are There to Say Sad?

So yesterday my roommate and her boyfriend celebrated their 1 year anniversary. While I love them and am so happy for them and it reminds me of how amazing it is to be so happy and in love, it also reminds me just how miserable and lonely I am right now. How I still love someone who doesn’t want me, and who more than likely hates me and everything about me.

As I flipped to the October page of my calendar yesterday, I was faced with a photo from last October of Darren and I carving pumpkins, and immediately thought about that weekend. I stared at the picture for a while, thinking about just how happy I was then, and how nice of a weekend we’d had together, and how excited we were to only have a year of long distance dating left. It’s amazing how different things can be in a years time. Then I did this, because I may actually end up going crazy if I have to look at that picture for the next 30 days.

Sometimes when I’m driving home at the end of the day, I have these wild fantasies that when I get there he’ll be sitting on the porch waiting for me, like I live in a fucking romantic comedy or something. Yesterday was one of those days, and as I was imagining such a ridiculous scenario, this song came on my iPod and I completely fucking lost it. Basically…

And now I miss everything about you
(Still, you’re gone)
I can’t believe it, I still want you
(And I’m lovin’ you, I never should’ve walked away)
After all the things we’ve been through
(I know it’s never gonna come again)
I miss everything about you, without you

It’s even hard for me to watch my favorite show, Sons of Anarchy, right now. He got me into it, we would watch it “together” every week and call during every commercial break and text when something crazy happened. Last week when the craziest of all crazy things happened, I found myself picking up the phone to text him out of habit, and realizing I had no one to send that text to anymore.

It’s sad, and I’m sad… all of the time. It’s been almost three months and I can’t snap out of this or get over it. I feel like I’m not in any better of a place than I was in July, and I can feel my friends getting sick of me talking about this over and over. I cried myself to sleep last night, and then woke up 4 hours later unable to sleep any longer. I’m so tired of all of this, and just plain tired in general. When does it get better? I try to think back to my last hard break-up and feel like I was so much better by the 3 month mark. Maybe this is just a bad week…