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It’s Been A While, So Here’s a Novel

Hey, it’s been a while huh? Like over a month… sorry about that, but I haven’t had much to say. ¬†However, with 2012 rapidly coming to an end, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, and today I have a lot to say. I’ll break this up with some random pictures of what I’ve been up to lately so it’s not complete word vomit, and hopefully it will make sense. Here we go.

Hosting Friendsgiving 2012

It’s no secret that 2012 was a pretty shitty year for me, especially the last 6 months of it. I bought a house with my significant other, then almost exactly one month later he broke up with me. What I thought was my life, and going to be my life, crumbled out from under me. He hurt me so much, not only with his actions, but with the words that followed, that I had a hard time remembering who I was and what I ever liked about myself. There were days when I physically could not make myself get up out of bed, I cried for months, and survived on 2-3 hours of sleep a night aided by Unisom and wine. There were times when everything just hurt so much that I couldn’t handle the pain only being on the inside, when it felt better to hurt on the outside too, and then not only did I feel pain but shame and¬†embarrassment.

Celebrating my sister’s 24th birthday by dancing my ass off

Slowly but surely I crawled my way out of that dark hole I was living in, and one day not too long ago realized I was finally starting to feel happy again. I was finally starting to feel like me, and not the me that I was in the beginning of the year either. The me from almost 3 years ago, who would go out and dance like a fool in bars and not care what anyone though, who enjoyed the life they were living and wasn’t waiting for something else to start and make it better, a me who was finally starting to have confidence in herself again.

Thanksgiving Day with my family

It doesn’t take a genius to see that I have extreme issues with insecurity, and I’ve never kept that a secret here, but I never really thought about why until recently. Sure I was unpopular when I was younger, didn’t have that many friends, and never really found a group I fit in with until college, but a lot of people go through that. Why was it so much harder for me to get over, and just accept that maybe people do like me? I had a thought the other day, and maybe it’s way off base, but when you’re with someone for a long time, and that person is constantly feeding you things like “You only got that job because you’re pretty,” or “You only got that job because your family knows people,” and “There was probably someone uglier who deserved it more than you,” it’s bound to do some damage. I wish I was just referring to the last few years too, but that’s garbage I’ve been hearing since I was 16.

My issue with my looks, and only being acknowledged because of them became all to clear to me when I drunkenly lashed out at a co-worker last week. We were at our holiday lunch/dinner/night of drinking, and all he kept saying the entire day was, “You’re so pretty,” and I lost my shit. At which point I had to explain that I was sorry, but my whole life I’ve been made to feel like I don’t actually deserve where I’ve gotten, and sometimes I just want to hear “you’re funny”, or “you’re smart” and that I don’t want to hear “you’re so pretty”. In no way do I mean this to sound conceded or narcissistic, but sometimes you just want another kind of compliment that has nothing to do with what you look like, especially if you’re me apparently. Sometimes I sit around and wonder if people actually like me, and I feel like not everyone does that.

work holiday gathering last weekend

About a month or so ago I found myself developing feelings of non-hate for a member of the opposite sex. Those feelings are not mutual, so it’s not a huge deal, but we had some pretty good conversations in that month. This person said something to me one night that knocked me on my ass, for a few days if I’m being honest, and left me with a lot to think about. What exactly was said isn’t important, but it made me think about myself, and how I am around my friends, and how I am when I’m not in a giant group of my friends. I’ve written before here, how somehow in my group I’ve gotten this reputation as bitchy, and mean, and evil, and so I guess I’ve been trying to live up to it for years. In reality, I am a giant nerd, who wishes she lived in a musical, and tries really hard to memorize Ludacris’ verses in songs, and who gets so nervous before hanging out with a guy that I typically spend the first hour in my head telling myself not to say anything dumb. This person and I have been friends for like 7 years, and it only took 3 weeks of really talking to help me realize something that I probably never would have otherwise. I just need to stop trying so hard to be what I think people want me to be. It’s exhausting, and clearly not working for me or anyone else.

So here I am now 5 months post break-up, and doing pretty well. Sure someone I like doesn’t like me back, but hey what can you do. I will never again beg a man to stay with me, or try to convince them they should be with me because 1) it doesn’t work and 2) you just end up feeling like a giant loser and embarrassed for yourself down the road. Sure I still hurt sometimes; in fact I cried in my car just last week when Alan Jackson’s- Remember When came on the radio, but it didn’t set me back a week. I cried, pulled it together and continued on with my evening. I can look at pictures without feeling a stabbing sense of rage or sadness, just a feeling of nostalgia for what was. Most importantly I’m remembering what makes me happy, and what I enjoy doing, and if it’s dancing so hard I fall down in a bar and wake up covered in bruises, then so be it. I’m not 100% back together, but I’m getting there, and there’s a light at the end of the tunnel that’s making 2013 look bright.