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Half the Time you were Together?

Hey, remember that time I was supposed to move to Wisconsin like 4 months ago? Well I didn’t (clearly) but it seems their weather has moved here for me. I can’t remember the last time I was still wearing my winter coat and scarves in April, and I haven’t needed a pair of flip-flops once yet this year. This just will not do. Apparently, on average, March was colder than December. Fun fact of the day.

Speaking of Wisconsin, I was out with one of my guy friends recently and he was asking me how I wasn’t over what happened yet. He didn’t understand how almost one year later I could still be so upset by what happened. I tried to explain to him, that for the most part I am over it. There’s no more crying in bed day after day, I’m not still holding out hope that it’s all just a bad dream, I don’t want to just lay in a bathtub with a jug of wine listening to Phil Collins. Well ok, I do, but just for fun. Not because I’m so deeply depressed that anything else seems like too much work. Note to self, next place I live must have a bathtub.

I told him, in a traditional sense I am over the break-up. Does that mean I didn’t nearly vomit and simultaneously almost crash my car when his phone number popped up in a text 3 weeks ago? No, and in fact I don’t think I stopped shaking for a good hour after the two text exchange, but isn’t that normal? The thought of him dating someone else (which I’m almost positive he is) makes me nauseous and angry enough to punch a wall, but that has more to do with how he’d always preach that I’d have a new boyfriend in two weeks but he has no interest in dating anyone but me. (Side note, I haven’t had anything remotely close to a boyfriend since him, which is the longest time I’ve been single in the history of my dating life.)

I explained that mostly the issue I’m still dealing with is, that when someone knows all your deepest insecurities about yourself, and then says them out loud to you, just to be mean, it takes a long time to bounce back. Those are the moments I still relive when I think about our break-up. The shock and disbelief at some of the words coming out of the mouth of the person I cared for most in the world. That’s what’s burned in my brain, and what I try to forget every day. However, the hurt of having someone you trusted most with all your fears and insecurities then using them against you to knock you down is indescribable. That’s what I’m not over.

Even now, just writing this post, my heart hurts thinking about it. There’s only so many times my friends can tell me that what was said wasn’t true, that I can tell myself  it’s not true, but that one voice is still the loudest in my head. I don’t think there’s any formula to dictate when I should fully be over this and moved on, despite an episode of Sex and the City telling me there is, and if it takes me longer than other people think it should too bad for them. It takes a long time to build back up from the lowest of lows, and when I get there, I get there.