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When Internet Friends Trump Real Friends

Hey guys! It’s Kacy from Low… and Behold! 

Kelly is off spending an entire week in bed with her boyfriend, I mean… getting a tan… in Jamaica so you’ll have to settle for me today.

We all hate her a little bit for that vacation, don’t we? We’re here, suffering through the holiday season (if you read my blog, you know I’m negative this time of year, if not – now you do) while she’s sipping umbrella drinks and exploiting Jamaican natives while they fan her with palm leaves.

She’s lucky I like her, or I’d be pissed. But I do like her. So it’s all good.

Kelly is a part of a group of Internet friends I’ve acquired that I wouldn’t trade for the world. We’ve met in real life and all, but the majority of our relationship thrives via email, and it’s kind of awesome.

This particular group of Internet friends is awesome, because we’re all basically the same bitch – with a few minor differences.

I wouldn’t trade this group for the world. As much as I love my real-life friends (aka, friends I met places other than through my blog), there is a particular set of skills that these girls have that I just couldn’t live without.

Internet friends can say meaner things to you, because they don’t have to see you cry after. I won’t say these girls are mean to me, but sometimes I get that dose of tough love I need to pull myself out of my own ass. Real life friends hesitate to do this, because then they have to see my ugly crying face. It’s not pretty.

Internet friends make you get your fat ass to the gym. This is partly because I ask them to make me go, but partly because they stand to lose nothing from me actually going to the gym. Real life friends want to go drink and do other non-healthy things because I’m there in person to actually hang out with. Real life friends are a bad influence in that way. Internet friends send you emails in all caps telling you to get to the gym or they’ll make you get down on your knees and beg… Or something like that, I’m actually not sure I remember how that exchange went down now. That sounds wrong…

Internet friends tell you dirty sex stories. Now, most of my real-life friends do this too, but when you have an email thread of five girls trading penis tales, shit gets really interesting. And no one holds back because you don’t have to look them in the eye after.

Internet friends listen to all your work woes, because they have nothing better to do. Let’s face it, 99% of the time you’re emailing back and forth in an email thread – it’s because you have nothing better to do. These girls listen to me bitch about work all day, and save me from having a psychotic break at least once a week. Even if it’s because they’re bored off their asses, it means a lot to me.

So yeah, even though I’m pretty bitter about Kelly’s vacation, she’s a pretty important part of my day-to-day life. Without my Internet friends I’d be narcissistic, fat, sexless and crying under my desk at work. And no one wants that.

And yes, the moral of this story is that I’m pathetic. Thanks for reading.

Sexual Monday with Jess

**While I’m away getting my tan, drink, and vacation on, I asked some of my favorite ladies to guest post for me, and write about things they wouldn’t want to post on their own blogs.  Things got extremely entertaining, so I hope you enjoy these posts, and I’ll be back… Eventually.**

Well hello there, MVV readers.  I’m Jess. (Sidenote, when I read this I sang it in the New Girl theme song tone)

I usually blog here. But today I blog here.

I’m honored to do a guest post for the lovely Kelly today, because not only is homegirl hilarious, but she shares my undying love for all things J Crew and is a fellow member of the super tall ladies club.  What up.  Oh, that’s right, us.

In the last few weeks, a few of us blogger-friends have been partaking in email discussions pertaining to the topic of.. well sex.  We all know that sex is something that most women have a hard time discussing.  I’ll admit, I’m definitely not the first one to bring up the topic.  But since this little meeting of the minds has begun, not only have I become much more open talking about la seks, but I’ve also learned a trick or two. (Thanks ladies!)  So in honor of Kelly’s romantical trip with her lova to the sensual Caribbean isle of Jamaica, and the fact that it’s the exact same resort my lova (ok, husband) and I honeymooned in last year, I figured it would be appropriate to do a post about:

5 Ways to Seduce Yo Man Without Being Totally Awkward

Let’s face it, in most cases (not all), men are the initiators.  Maybe it’s because we’re busy, I don’t know, making life perfect, but 99% of the time, that’s how it goes.  Every now and then, you should try to be the one to get it started.  Here are 5 little tips to help you do just that.

1.  Don’t just wait until your hammered to make a move.  We’ve all got a lot more confidence when we’ve had a few cocktails, and our inhibitions are down.  But don’t just wait until you’re not sure if you’re having a threesome (because you’re seeing two of your man) to pounce.  While it’s no doubt enjoyable for the both of you, chances are the next day you won’t remember who made the first move anyways, so really it’s a wash.

2.  Don’t be so coy.  I think we’ve probably all seen the scene in “The Break Up” when Jennifer Aniston marches her perfect little naked ass through the living room like a tanned piece of bait, primed for the taking.  Now if I had her body, I’d probably go get the mail naked, but don’t just expect that to be your signal.  Maybe you’re just running to the laundry room to get your favorite pair of underwear.  Maybe you’ve just slathered yourself in self-tanner and don’t want to turn your shirt orange.  Make it crystal clear that you’re ready to commence the making of the love and don’t just expect a wink and a strut are getting the message across.

3.  Think outside the bedroom.  Sure the thought of being ravished atop your silky 400 count Egyptian cotton sheets with your door securely locked is perhaps your first choice, but be adventurous!  Perhaps there’s a lovely area rug in your living room by the fireplace you’d like to break in.  And that frilly little apron from Anthropologie hanging in your kitchen that has never been used could surely use a little action.  Next time you make dinner, you might have something other than the smell of a delicious meal cooking to smile about…

4.  Embrace the Element of Surprise.  Wouldn’t it be nice to come home to a clean house, dishes put away, dinner in the oven and a glass of wine waiting on the table for you?  Well, you waiting in an old slutty college Halloween costume with a smile on your face and a beer in your hand is the equivalent of that for your significant other.  “Hi honey, I’m home” and I’m never leaving again…

5.  Tell Him What You Like.  And then ask him to do it.  If he’s doing something that’s just not really making the earth shake, don’t let him think he’s getting somewhere.  BE HONEST.  The point of sex is to please one another, so help him please you!  Hearing women talk about sex is hot.  It’s taboo and we don’t want to sound bossy, but I assure you, it’s better to lay it out and you’ll both be happier because of it.

So that concludes: 5 Ways to Seduce Yo’ Man Without Being Totally Awkward.

Hopefully at this very moment Kelly & Dar are taking in all the beauty that is Montego Bay… and well… enjoying one another’s company.  The poor kids only see each other a few times a year for Gods sakes!  I also hope these tips were at least somewhat helpful.  And if you are already a tigress in the sack, well than hat’s off to you madame!  Share your wealth of knowledge with the rest of us!  Happy seducing…

Special thanks to Steph, Amy, Kacy and Kelly (that’s me!) for inspiring the Sexpertise.
(PS mom, if you’re reading this, I was abducted by aliens.)

Just Checking In

Not really much to say here today, but go check out my guest post over at What Kelly Said, for my thoughts on how blogging is like high school.

Yesterday was pretty lazy, although I did finally make those Pumpkin Chocolate Chip cookies that I’d been meaning to make all weekend.  They’re my favorite, and I may have a zip lock bag of them sitting next to me on my desk.  I do.  I mostly just watched a lot of football, and am keeping my fingers crossed that my fantasy team pulls off the win tonight.  Ya know, since the Eagles sucked ass yesterday.  I’m currently winning by four points, and we each have one player left to go tonight.  It’s going to be a close one!

After the football games we cared about ended yesterday, the roommates and I settled in to watch the latest arrival from Netflix, Never Say Never.  Yes, that’s the Justin Bieber movie, haha.  What a cute little kid, and so talented.  Anyway, it wasn’t horrible.  It showed how he got discovered by Usher and that kinda crap, and followed him around leading up to his MSG concert.  He’s a cutie, and the songs are catchy.  Whatevs.

So yeah, that’s really all I’ve got for you today.  I’m anxiously awaiting the first day of October on Saturday, and the 10 degree temperature drop that is supposedly coming with it.  I have new cool weather clothes I want to wear!  Alright, catch ya later.