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Checking In

Oh hey… long time no talk…

There’s a reason for that though; since returning from Boston I’ve been doing a whole lot of nothing. My happy hour excursions have cooled off, I’m no longer trying out the dating scene, I’m broke as fuck (this is only half my fault), and I really hardly ever have a desire to leave my house during the week.  A typical day goes like this: wake up, drag myself to work, study/work all day, gym (sometimes), go home drink all of the wine, sleep, repeat. I’m playing football again this year, so throw in a 3 pm football game on Saturday’s followed by day drinking and you pretty much are updated on my life.

Also, due to some recent events, I’ve realized that maybe I’m not dealing with my issues as well as I should be, or could be so I’m starting the process of finding a professional to talk to. There are only so many things my roommates and friends can help me through, and I fear I’m beyond their realm of experience right now.(Family, ahem mom and sis don’t call me to talk about this it’s all fine I promise).

Anyway, our football game this past Saturday was cancelled because of Friday night’s rain, but we didn’t let that get in the way of our day drinking. Instead most of my team gathered starting around noon for a Saturday Funday.

bar number 3 of the day for me

I was home and in sweatpants by 10 pm, and that’s really a perfect day/evening for me. However, I was then up at the crack of dawn on Sunday, bored with nothing to do. I ran some errands, managed to get in and out of Target with (mostly) only the things I went in for, and then Dani and I carved pumpkins together! Ironic, because on this weekend last year I did the exact same thing, except with a much less cooler person. (Oh yeah, yesterday would have marked 11 years since we first started dating, 10/21/01 is a ridiculously hard date to forget).

I look 12.. and tired

finished products!

So that’s what’s going on with me. If I disappear again it’s not because I’ve been committed (most likely) it’s just because I’m boring and have nothing to say. Happy Monday!

How Many Ways are There to Say Sad?

So yesterday my roommate and her boyfriend celebrated their 1 year anniversary. While I love them and am so happy for them and it reminds me of how amazing it is to be so happy and in love, it also reminds me just how miserable and lonely I am right now. How I still love someone who doesn’t want me, and who more than likely hates me and everything about me.

As I flipped to the October page of my calendar yesterday, I was faced with a photo from last October of Darren and I carving pumpkins, and immediately thought about that weekend. I stared at the picture for a while, thinking about just how happy I was then, and how nice of a weekend we’d had together, and how excited we were to only have a year of long distance dating left. It’s amazing how different things can be in a years time. Then I did this, because I may actually end up going crazy if I have to look at that picture for the next 30 days.

Sometimes when I’m driving home at the end of the day, I have these wild fantasies that when I get there he’ll be sitting on the porch waiting for me, like I live in a fucking romantic comedy or something. Yesterday was one of those days, and as I was imagining such a ridiculous scenario, this song came on my iPod and I completely fucking lost it. Basically…

And now I miss everything about you
(Still, you’re gone)
I can’t believe it, I still want you
(And I’m lovin’ you, I never should’ve walked away)
After all the things we’ve been through
(I know it’s never gonna come again)
I miss everything about you, without you

It’s even hard for me to watch my favorite show, Sons of Anarchy, right now. He got me into it, we would watch it “together” every week and call during every commercial break and text when something crazy happened. Last week when the craziest of all crazy things happened, I found myself picking up the phone to text him out of habit, and realizing I had no one to send that text to anymore.

It’s sad, and I’m sad… all of the time. It’s been almost three months and I can’t snap out of this or get over it. I feel like I’m not in any better of a place than I was in July, and I can feel my friends getting sick of me talking about this over and over. I cried myself to sleep last night, and then woke up 4 hours later unable to sleep any longer. I’m so tired of all of this, and just plain tired in general. When does it get better? I try to think back to my last hard break-up and feel like I was so much better by the 3 month mark. Maybe this is just a bad week…

Yup, Still Depressed

So, I haven’t blogged about anything really break-up related in a while and there’s a reason for that. Pretty much everything is exactly the same as it was two and a half months ago. I still am half owner of a house I will never live in, still waiting to get my money back, and I still struggle to get through just about every day of the living hell that is my life. I’m still sad, all of the time (I cried in the middle of a restaurant last week), and I nearly have a panic attack every time my phone makes a noise because I’m afraid it might be a text coming from him, and they usually don’t say anything nice or uplifting.

I’ve logged onto the Verizon website numerous times and put his number onto the “block” list, but I haven’t been able to pull the trigger and hit submit.  I also realized, after going on about 4 dates, that I am definitely not ready to be dating anyone. Number one clue was that I was inadvertently dodging any kind of contact and cringing if it happened. So that’s on hold until I can actually feel emotions besides rage and sadness again. A friend asked me how I was doing the other day, and the best answer I could come up with was “depends on the day, anywhere from train wreck to fine.”  I really think that’s the only answer right now, and I want to feel better than “fine” someday soon.

Despite the cloud of depression constantly hovering over me these days, I still managed to have a fun weekend. Just like last year, the roommates and I threw a family BBQ that involved lots of wine and delicious food.  Photo montage coming at you in 3…2…1…

Hopefully the ridiculous faces I’m making in the pictures help counteract the depressing first part of this post. Happy Monday?