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Half the Time you were Together?

Hey, remember that time I was supposed to move to Wisconsin like 4 months ago? Well I didn’t (clearly) but it seems their weather has moved here for me. I can’t remember the last time I was still wearing my winter coat and scarves in April, and I haven’t needed a pair of flip-flops once yet this year. This just will not do. Apparently, on average, March was colder than December. Fun fact of the day.

Speaking of Wisconsin, I was out with one of my guy friends recently and he was asking me how I wasn’t over what happened yet. He didn’t understand how almost one year later I could still be so upset by what happened. I tried to explain to him, that for the most part I am over it. There’s no more crying in bed day after day, I’m not still holding out hope that it’s all just a bad dream, I don’t want to just lay in a bathtub with a jug of wine listening to Phil Collins. Well ok, I do, but just for fun. Not because I’m so deeply depressed that anything else seems like too much work. Note to self, next place I live must have a bathtub.

I told him, in a traditional sense I am over the break-up. Does that mean I didn’t nearly vomit and simultaneously almost crash my car when his phone number popped up in a text 3 weeks ago? No, and in fact I don’t think I stopped shaking for a good hour after the two text exchange, but isn’t that normal? The thought of him dating someone else (which I’m almost positive he is) makes me nauseous and angry enough to punch a wall, but that has more to do with how he’d always preach that I’d have a new boyfriend in two weeks but he has no interest in dating anyone but me. (Side note, I haven’t had anything remotely close to a boyfriend since him, which is the longest time I’ve been single in the history of my dating life.)

I explained that mostly the issue I’m still dealing with is, that when someone knows all your deepest insecurities about yourself, and then says them out loud to you, just to be mean, it takes a long time to bounce back. Those are the moments I still relive when I think about our break-up. The shock and disbelief at some of the words coming out of the mouth of the person I cared for most in the world. That’s what’s burned in my brain, and what I try to forget every day. However, the hurt of having someone you trusted most with all your fears and insecurities then using them against you to knock you down is indescribable. That’s what I’m not over.

Even now, just writing this post, my heart hurts thinking about it. There’s only so many times my friends can tell me that what was said wasn’t true, that I can tell myself  it’s not true, but that one voice is still the loudest in my head. I don’t think there’s any formula to dictate when I should fully be over this and moved on, despite an episode of Sex and the City telling me there is, and if it takes me longer than other people think it should too bad for them. It takes a long time to build back up from the lowest of lows, and when I get there, I get there.


But… I Hate It

So my date from Sunday? Called me last night… on the phone…just to chat.  Is this a thing these days? Or is it just because he’s older than me (7 years)? I almost didn’t answer; it had been a terrible, no good, very bad day, I was filled with rage that threatened to spill onto anyone I came in contact with, and just wanted to sit in peace with my wine and pizza. However, I pulled my head out of my ass and did answer, and then had to make small talk for 30 minutes. 30! I’m not even kidding, we talked about hurricanes, blizzards, earthquakes, and bad drivers.

I have about a 15 minute attention span when it comes to phone conversations. Especially if there is a piece of pizza gradually getting cold on a plate in front of me, so it was especially difficult for me to power through those extra 15 minutes.  I hate talking on the phone, with a fiery passion. I can do texting because it allows me to multitask and watch TV while having a conversation, but the phone? HATE HATE HATE. However, I survived, and he wants to have dinner next week. If he calls to set that up? I might cry. Anyway.

These two crazy kids are getting married on Friday, and I’m heading up to PA in a few short hours for a long weekend to celebrate their wedding. I can’t wait, I love them as a couple, and am excited to party with my old friends from home for a night.

Saturday I’m getting my hair done in the city and have a shopping date with my sister, and on Sunday the two of us are quite possibly partaking in the sister activity we’ve been waiting for months to do!  This may very well be the last trip to PA where I still have a house to stay in that is “mine” as my mom is moments away from putting our town house on the market :(. It will be bittersweet for sure.

Uh, so yeah, that’s really all that’s new with me. Hopefully the traffic gods will be kind to me on my journey north this evening. Later!

Another Round

I went on another date last night. Different guy, same first date nerves as before though. This one also went pretty well. The guy was nice, funny, and we hit it off conversation wise. I don’t recall any awkward silences. He even stood up from the table when I came back from the bathroom, which confused me at first since it’s something I’m very much not used to. He walked me to my car at the end of the evening, and gave me a polite hug. It was fine.

Which is why I’m mad at myself for going home and thinking about how I miss my ex. How do you miss someone who did something so terrible, and said so many mean things to you? It makes me feel like an idiot to be laying in bed at night, missing him; because really only an idiot would miss someone who did that to them. Obviously I got tons of sleep last night and am feeling refreshed and well-rested today.

Anyway. The rest of my weekend was pretty uneventful. Stayed in on Friday night eating Thai food in my pajamas and watching Dawson’s Creek on Netflix, hung out with Kacy and her fiance for a little bit on Saturday watching the OU game, and went out yesterday to watch some NFL games.

I actually only have three days in the office this week before I head back up to Pennsylvania yet again for a long weekend. My friend Ashley is getting married on Friday, and I can’t wait to celebrate.  I hope you all had a good weekend, happy Monday!