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Half the Time you were Together?

Hey, remember that time I was supposed to move to Wisconsin like 4 months ago? Well I didn’t (clearly) but it seems their weather has moved here for me. I can’t remember the last time I was still wearing my winter coat and scarves in April, and I haven’t needed a pair of flip-flops once yet this year. This just will not do. Apparently, on average, March was colder than December. Fun fact of the day.

Speaking of Wisconsin, I was out with one of my guy friends recently and he was asking me how I wasn’t over what happened yet. He didn’t understand how almost one year later I could still be so upset by what happened. I tried to explain to him, that for the most part I am over it. There’s no more crying in bed day after day, I’m not still holding out hope that it’s all just a bad dream, I don’t want to just lay in a bathtub with a jug of wine listening to Phil Collins. Well ok, I do, but just for fun. Not because I’m so deeply depressed that anything else seems like too much work. Note to self, next place I live must have a bathtub.

I told him, in a traditional sense I am over the break-up. Does that mean I didn’t nearly vomit and simultaneously almost crash my car when his phone number popped up in a text 3 weeks ago? No, and in fact I don’t think I stopped shaking for a good hour after the two text exchange, but isn’t that normal? The thought of him dating someone else (which I’m almost positive he is) makes me nauseous and angry enough to punch a wall, but that has more to do with how he’d always preach that I’d have a new boyfriend in two weeks but he has no interest in dating anyone but me. (Side note, I haven’t had anything remotely close to a boyfriend since him, which is the longest time I’ve been single in the history of my dating life.)

I explained that mostly the issue I’m still dealing with is, that when someone knows all your deepest insecurities about yourself, and then says them out loud to you, just to be mean, it takes a long time to bounce back. Those are the moments I still relive when I think about our break-up. The shock and disbelief at some of the words coming out of the mouth of the person I cared for most in the world. That’s what’s burned in my brain, and what I try to forget every day. However, the hurt of having someone you trusted most with all your fears and insecurities then using them against you to knock you down is indescribable. That’s what I’m not over.

Even now, just writing this post, my heart hurts thinking about it. There’s only so many times my friends can tell me that what was said wasn’t true, that I can tell myself  it’s not true, but that one voice is still the loudest in my head. I don’t think there’s any formula to dictate when I should fully be over this and moved on, despite an episode of Sex and the City telling me there is, and if it takes me longer than other people think it should too bad for them. It takes a long time to build back up from the lowest of lows, and when I get there, I get there.

 

Checking In

Oh hey… long time no talk…

There’s a reason for that though; since returning from Boston I’ve been doing a whole lot of nothing. My happy hour excursions have cooled off, I’m no longer trying out the dating scene, I’m broke as fuck (this is only half my fault), and I really hardly ever have a desire to leave my house during the week.  A typical day goes like this: wake up, drag myself to work, study/work all day, gym (sometimes), go home drink all of the wine, sleep, repeat. I’m playing football again this year, so throw in a 3 pm football game on Saturday’s followed by day drinking and you pretty much are updated on my life.

Also, due to some recent events, I’ve realized that maybe I’m not dealing with my issues as well as I should be, or could be so I’m starting the process of finding a professional to talk to. There are only so many things my roommates and friends can help me through, and I fear I’m beyond their realm of experience right now.(Family, ahem mom and sis don’t call me to talk about this it’s all fine I promise).

Anyway, our football game this past Saturday was cancelled because of Friday night’s rain, but we didn’t let that get in the way of our day drinking. Instead most of my team gathered starting around noon for a Saturday Funday.

bar number 3 of the day for me

I was home and in sweatpants by 10 pm, and that’s really a perfect day/evening for me. However, I was then up at the crack of dawn on Sunday, bored with nothing to do. I ran some errands, managed to get in and out of Target with (mostly) only the things I went in for, and then Dani and I carved pumpkins together! Ironic, because on this weekend last year I did the exact same thing, except with a much less cooler person. (Oh yeah, yesterday would have marked 11 years since we first started dating, 10/21/01 is a ridiculously hard date to forget).

I look 12.. and tired

finished products!

So that’s what’s going on with me. If I disappear again it’s not because I’ve been committed (most likely) it’s just because I’m boring and have nothing to say. Happy Monday!

How Many Ways are There to Say Sad?

So yesterday my roommate and her boyfriend celebrated their 1 year anniversary. While I love them and am so happy for them and it reminds me of how amazing it is to be so happy and in love, it also reminds me just how miserable and lonely I am right now. How I still love someone who doesn’t want me, and who more than likely hates me and everything about me.

As I flipped to the October page of my calendar yesterday, I was faced with a photo from last October of Darren and I carving pumpkins, and immediately thought about that weekend. I stared at the picture for a while, thinking about just how happy I was then, and how nice of a weekend we’d had together, and how excited we were to only have a year of long distance dating left. It’s amazing how different things can be in a years time. Then I did this, because I may actually end up going crazy if I have to look at that picture for the next 30 days.

Sometimes when I’m driving home at the end of the day, I have these wild fantasies that when I get there he’ll be sitting on the porch waiting for me, like I live in a fucking romantic comedy or something. Yesterday was one of those days, and as I was imagining such a ridiculous scenario, this song came on my iPod and I completely fucking lost it. Basically…

And now I miss everything about you
(Still, you’re gone)
I can’t believe it, I still want you
(And I’m lovin’ you, I never should’ve walked away)
After all the things we’ve been through
(I know it’s never gonna come again)
I miss everything about you, without you

It’s even hard for me to watch my favorite show, Sons of Anarchy, right now. He got me into it, we would watch it “together” every week and call during every commercial break and text when something crazy happened. Last week when the craziest of all crazy things happened, I found myself picking up the phone to text him out of habit, and realizing I had no one to send that text to anymore.

It’s sad, and I’m sad… all of the time. It’s been almost three months and I can’t snap out of this or get over it. I feel like I’m not in any better of a place than I was in July, and I can feel my friends getting sick of me talking about this over and over. I cried myself to sleep last night, and then woke up 4 hours later unable to sleep any longer. I’m so tired of all of this, and just plain tired in general. When does it get better? I try to think back to my last hard break-up and feel like I was so much better by the 3 month mark. Maybe this is just a bad week…