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It’s Been A While, So Here’s a Novel

Hey, it’s been a while huh? Like over a month… sorry about that, but I haven’t had much to say.  However, with 2012 rapidly coming to an end, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, and today I have a lot to say. I’ll break this up with some random pictures of what I’ve been up to lately so it’s not complete word vomit, and hopefully it will make sense. Here we go.

Hosting Friendsgiving 2012

It’s no secret that 2012 was a pretty shitty year for me, especially the last 6 months of it. I bought a house with my significant other, then almost exactly one month later he broke up with me. What I thought was my life, and going to be my life, crumbled out from under me. He hurt me so much, not only with his actions, but with the words that followed, that I had a hard time remembering who I was and what I ever liked about myself. There were days when I physically could not make myself get up out of bed, I cried for months, and survived on 2-3 hours of sleep a night aided by Unisom and wine. There were times when everything just hurt so much that I couldn’t handle the pain only being on the inside, when it felt better to hurt on the outside too, and then not only did I feel pain but shame and embarrassment.

Celebrating my sister’s 24th birthday by dancing my ass off

Slowly but surely I crawled my way out of that dark hole I was living in, and one day not too long ago realized I was finally starting to feel happy again. I was finally starting to feel like me, and not the me that I was in the beginning of the year either. The me from almost 3 years ago, who would go out and dance like a fool in bars and not care what anyone though, who enjoyed the life they were living and wasn’t waiting for something else to start and make it better, a me who was finally starting to have confidence in herself again.

Thanksgiving Day with my family

It doesn’t take a genius to see that I have extreme issues with insecurity, and I’ve never kept that a secret here, but I never really thought about why until recently. Sure I was unpopular when I was younger, didn’t have that many friends, and never really found a group I fit in with until college, but a lot of people go through that. Why was it so much harder for me to get over, and just accept that maybe people do like me? I had a thought the other day, and maybe it’s way off base, but when you’re with someone for a long time, and that person is constantly feeding you things like “You only got that job because you’re pretty,” or “You only got that job because your family knows people,” and “There was probably someone uglier who deserved it more than you,” it’s bound to do some damage. I wish I was just referring to the last few years too, but that’s garbage I’ve been hearing since I was 16.

My issue with my looks, and only being acknowledged because of them became all to clear to me when I drunkenly lashed out at a co-worker last week. We were at our holiday lunch/dinner/night of drinking, and all he kept saying the entire day was, “You’re so pretty,” and I lost my shit. At which point I had to explain that I was sorry, but my whole life I’ve been made to feel like I don’t actually deserve where I’ve gotten, and sometimes I just want to hear “you’re funny”, or “you’re smart” and that I don’t want to hear “you’re so pretty”. In no way do I mean this to sound conceded or narcissistic, but sometimes you just want another kind of compliment that has nothing to do with what you look like, especially if you’re me apparently. Sometimes I sit around and wonder if people actually like me, and I feel like not everyone does that.

work holiday gathering last weekend

About a month or so ago I found myself developing feelings of non-hate for a member of the opposite sex. Those feelings are not mutual, so it’s not a huge deal, but we had some pretty good conversations in that month. This person said something to me one night that knocked me on my ass, for a few days if I’m being honest, and left me with a lot to think about. What exactly was said isn’t important, but it made me think about myself, and how I am around my friends, and how I am when I’m not in a giant group of my friends. I’ve written before here, how somehow in my group I’ve gotten this reputation as bitchy, and mean, and evil, and so I guess I’ve been trying to live up to it for years. In reality, I am a giant nerd, who wishes she lived in a musical, and tries really hard to memorize Ludacris’ verses in songs, and who gets so nervous before hanging out with a guy that I typically spend the first hour in my head telling myself not to say anything dumb. This person and I have been friends for like 7 years, and it only took 3 weeks of really talking to help me realize something that I probably never would have otherwise. I just need to stop trying so hard to be what I think people want me to be. It’s exhausting, and clearly not working for me or anyone else.

So here I am now 5 months post break-up, and doing pretty well. Sure someone I like doesn’t like me back, but hey what can you do. I will never again beg a man to stay with me, or try to convince them they should be with me because 1) it doesn’t work and 2) you just end up feeling like a giant loser and embarrassed for yourself down the road. Sure I still hurt sometimes; in fact I cried in my car just last week when Alan Jackson’s- Remember When came on the radio, but it didn’t set me back a week. I cried, pulled it together and continued on with my evening. I can look at pictures without feeling a stabbing sense of rage or sadness, just a feeling of nostalgia for what was. Most importantly I’m remembering what makes me happy, and what I enjoy doing, and if it’s dancing so hard I fall down in a bar and wake up covered in bruises, then so be it. I’m not 100% back together, but I’m getting there, and there’s a light at the end of the tunnel that’s making 2013 look bright.



14 Responses

  1. what a honest, open, and meaningful post. as a long time reader, it makes me so happy to see you happy again, honestly. and there is so much truth to what you wrote, that I found myself agreeing with you as I read along and having “aha moments” myself. Thank you for sharing – as I truly believe this post will impact many other lives and help them get back on track and remember what really truly matters in life – ONE’S OWN HAPPINESS – myself included!

  2. Yea for looking towards the bright side! I went through a terrible breakup a few years ago & the most important thing is “time” & some people don’t recognize that. Do what YOU need to do to feel better. Glad things are looking up 🙂

  3. This. I love this. ❤

  4. I’m glad you’re doing better. 🙂 It makes me oh so happy!

  5. Dang girl, you’ve definitely had a roller coaster year, but it sounds like things are on the up and up! Hang in there and keep thinking positive! You’re an amazing person 🙂

  6. I hired a super-smart young woman once who was also drop-dead gorgeous. She had great ideas, worked hard and I saw great potential in her, but for some reason, she could never quite live up to that. I finally realized that she had the same experience you were describing – if all you ever hear is “what a pretty girl,” you can come to doubt whether anyone thinks you’re smart or is interested in anything but your face and your body.

    I am sure some people think that they’d love to be the one everyone thought was so pretty, or that you’re humblebragging but based on what I saw with her and what you’re describing, it can become a burden and is not as great as it sounds. That you’re realizing all these things is a gift – go out and use it to have the life YOU want!

    • Thank you for this. I was afraid what I was trying to say was just going to come off completely wrong and people would think I was a giant asshole.

  7. This is wonderful. I’m so glad to see you doing better. Breakups are a bastard, and this one was especially awful. But things like this are how we learn the most about ourselves. Which is obviously what’s happening for you.

  8. Someone told me this week in an interview that I couldn’t expect to sweet talk my way through the field. (Yeah I politely closed my notebook and thanked him for his time). I think it’s important to remember that some people just have their *own issues* with women. Whoever is saying these things to you about getting jobs because you are pretty needs to a) shutup and b) get a reality check. Just because you are pretty does NOT mean that you aren’t smart and highly skilled. I’m sure you landed your job because of your brains!

  9. This was such a well written, honest post. I think all women can relate to wanting to feel like they’re more than an object for people to look at and to want to be appreciated for their contributions and intelligence. I’m glad you put it out there for discussion.

    It sounds like 2013 is going to be a year of discovery and self-love for you. Be who you are and everything else will follow. I hope you have a happy holiday!

    *just wanted to say again how much I loved this post.

  10. I hope 2013 is great for you.

  11. As a long time reader, I’m so glad to read this post and I truly hope you continue to find happiness in 2013! 🙂

  12. Keep looking up 😉

  13. You are such a sweetheart! Thanks for sharing everything with us. I sincerely hope 2013 is a GREAT year for you!!! 🙂

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