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How Many Ways are There to Say Sad?

So yesterday my roommate and her boyfriend celebrated their 1 year anniversary. While I love them and am so happy for them and it reminds me of how amazing it is to be so happy and in love, it also reminds me just how miserable and lonely I am right now. How I still love someone who doesn’t want me, and who more than likely hates me and everything about me.

As I flipped to the October page of my calendar yesterday, I was faced with a photo from last October of Darren and I carving pumpkins, and immediately thought about that weekend. I stared at the picture for a while, thinking about just how happy I was then, and how nice of a weekend we’d had together, and how excited we were to only have a year of long distance dating left. It’s amazing how different things can be in a years time. Then I did this, because I may actually end up going crazy if I have to look at that picture for the next 30 days.

Sometimes when I’m driving home at the end of the day, I have these wild fantasies that when I get there he’ll be sitting on the porch waiting for me, like I live in a fucking romantic comedy or something. Yesterday was one of those days, and as I was imagining such a ridiculous scenario, this song came on my iPod and I completely fucking lost it. Basically…

And now I miss everything about you
(Still, you’re gone)
I can’t believe it, I still want you
(And I’m lovin’ you, I never should’ve walked away)
After all the things we’ve been through
(I know it’s never gonna come again)
I miss everything about you, without you

It’s even hard for me to watch my favorite show, Sons of Anarchy, right now. He got me into it, we would watch it “together” every week and call during every commercial break and text when something crazy happened. Last week when the craziest of all crazy things happened, I found myself picking up the phone to text him out of habit, and realizing I had no one to send that text to anymore.

It’s sad, and I’m sad… all of the time. It’s been almost three months and I can’t snap out of this or get over it. I feel like I’m not in any better of a place than I was in July, and I can feel my friends getting sick of me talking about this over and over. I cried myself to sleep last night, and then woke up 4 hours later unable to sleep any longer. I’m so tired of all of this, and just plain tired in general. When does it get better? I try to think back to my last hard break-up and feel like I was so much better by the 3 month mark. Maybe this is just a bad week…

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15 Responses

  1. Each break up is different, and even though it still sucks and still feels ridiculously hard, you actually ARE getting better.

    I was talking to a friend a while ago about that same “someone to text/email” phenomenon, and she and I both did the same thing – designate a responsive friend to be a dummy for him for a while. That person becomes the person you go to with those texts or emails or calls. Tell them they don’t even have to read them, they just have to understand that you need to get those thoughts/inside jokes/etc out of your system and know that someone is there, caring.

  2. As you know I am in your same boat, two months out of a breakup and I still feel as sad as I did the day after, maybe even a little more, constantly asking myself when I’m going to feel better and is it ever going to be ok? And feeling stupid because it wasn’t our first breakup and why did I let myself get sucked back in. And feeling angry that I believed him when he said he loved me.

    I’m trying to just take it one day at a time. Every day that goes by that I don’t email or text him (7 weeks and 2 days!) I feel proud of myself. Yes it hurts. Yes being single sucks. But it’s friends like my swiffles that make it feel just a little bit less lonely and despondent.

    I am always always here for you, if you need to talk, if you need to cry, if you need someone to text those crazy happenings to, I’m here 🙂 Love you girl.

  3. this is reminiscent of my life a few years ago. It does suck & it takes a LONG time to get over. You’re mourning the end of the relationship AND the future you thought you had. It’s especially hard when friends are coupled up / getting married, but I promise, it DOES get better. That guy didn’t appreciate OR deserve you. Chances are – there’s someone out there who will be a better fit THEN you’ll realize how lucky you are you didn’t settle for the ass-clown. Five years later, I thank my lucky stars my ex-ass-clown dumped me so I could find someone better.

  4. I’m so sorry. I was just thinking last night how long it took me to get over my last ex. It’s hard to believe that someone who can cause us so much pain can stay in our hearts for so long and we can keep wanting them for so long, when they really just suck at life. I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. And I love you. And at least this weekend will be super fun.

  5. I know this is a completely unhelpful thing to say, but sometimes it just takes forever to get over a breakup. I don’t even want to admit how long it took for me to get over my last real heartbreak, or how many of those “he’ll be sitting on my doorstep” fantasies I had. And if we’re being completely honest, I still have moments where I feel sad about it, and it was YEARS ago.
    You’ll start feeling better about it eventually. Just try to keep yourself busy in the meantime.

  6. I hate that you’re still sad, but I totally understand where you’re coming from. I’ve been having a rough time for the last few days, too. But be as gentle with yourself as you can- it will get better, I promise.

  7. It’s always so hard when you have little reminders everywhere, like you can’t escape it. But all you can do is knowledge how you’re feeling and then try and push through it. I know it doesn’t seem possible, but you WILL feel better eventually and this will all seem like a bad dream. Just think of that and it will hopefully give you a little light at the end of the tunnel. Also, wine. ❤

  8. Grrrr! I absolutely hate you still feel this way. If I could physically remove your pain I’d be on the first flight out of here to you. Just know that things will get easier. It may not seem like you are making progress, but you are. You are an amazing person, Kelster. He was such a part of your life for so long…since even before we knew each other. Him, your experiences with him, have shaped you and who you are. And, until that hurt dissapates, you have some pretty amazing friends around to help you through. Xoxox

  9. I love watching SOA…feel free to tweet me during it if you need someone to talk to about it. I know that these last few months have been hard for you, but I promise that it will get better. My situation is a little different than yours but I’m here for you if you need to talk or vent.

  10. Truth be told, I still sometimes have “ah… I miss that” moments about my long term college boyfriend that everyone apparently thought I would marry some day.

    Those thoughts never seem to go away. However, I look back at them without sadness now. It takes a while. Which you know, obviously. Don’t kill me for pulling out the “time heals all wounds” card. I sometimes want to punch people in the face when they say it to me, too.

  11. Text me! Text me!!!!

    No wait..don’t…as discussed on fb, I don’t watch it till like 3 days later. But how about I’ll let you know when I’ve watched it and then we can text?!?!?!

    (I’m serious. ALWAYS looking for fellow sons obsessed people).

  12. Hang in there Kelly. I wish I had answers for you but all I can do is listen. It will get easier and it will get better but you just have to give it time. The only way to the other side is to go through it. Hugs.

  13. Oh friend. This just hurts my heart so much for you. Things will get better. And you will fall in love with someone who loves you and appreciates you more than anything else in the whole damn world. You just can’t see it now. And it’s OK to be sad and to be angry and to cry. Just don’t let it consume you. You’re too pretty for that 😉 hugs. And really. Any time you need baby snugs, I know a fat little baby man who’d love to meet you!

  14. I went through a very similar situation a couple years back and it definitely took me a number of months before I felt better…not the day-to-day better then random nuclear cry meltdown (had plenty of those!!) but really, truly okay. This is normal and I feel for you 😦

  15. Hey Kelly…I know I don’t comment a ton here, but this post just broke my heart. I went through a similarly godawful break up about a year and a half ago now and for months and months after, I kept wondering when it would get better, when the hurt would go away and when I would stop being so sad.

    I can’t put a finger on when it got easier, by three months I had some happy days, but I still cried a lot. Six months out the tears were mostly gone, except when they snuck up on me from time to time. Eventually I started having more happy days than sad days and I know you will too. Hang in there! I know it doesn’t seem like it now, but it will get better.

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