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On Dating

Last night as I was crashing my roommate and her bf’s dinner date in our kitchen, we got to talk about dating.  Specifically, the fact that I will eventually have to do it, and just how much I’m not looking forward to it.  I am currently in no way ready to do such a thing, as my ex has done a fine job of ruining my faith in the male species and there’s a whole hella lot of crazy going on in my head on a daily basis, but apparently the two of them cannot wait for me to start.

Not because they want me to find someone else, but because they think it will be HILARIOUS and I’ll have tons of funny stories to tell them.  I’m not just saying this, but I don’t get approached by guys very often when I’m out, and when I was in a relationship I was just fine with that.  The rare times that I would, the guy was always someone I would NEVER EVER consider in real life.  Whether it’s because they were 3 inches shorter than me, or just the epitome of douchebaggery, it was always terrible.

I’ve only been single a month, and I already have a hilarious story about a douchey bar encounter, and who would I be if I didn’t share it with you all.  Last Wednesday I went out to happy hour with a group of friends, and happy hour turned into happy 5 hours and at 10 pm we found ourselves in Spider Kelly’s in Clarendon.  If you’re from the area, you know the bar and the typical crowd in the bar, and you know it’s always full of idiots.  I know this, but it’s a fun place, and I’m not looking to meet anyone, so onward we went.

I was maybe through half a beer before the following took place:
Fratty d-bag: “Hey Ms. Green shirt, how are you?”
Me: “I’m fine, how are you?”
FDB: “I’m good, I had to come over and talk to you because ya know, we kind of match.”

After discovering I was 27, and not much younger like he originally thought.  He was 25 by the way.

FDB: “Wow, you look good for 27.”

Some idle chit chat took place about the weather, the summer, Labor Day weekend, what we do, blah, blah, blah, then somehow we started talking about the seasons (I know!) and how I love fall.

FDB: “So you like fall huh?  How come?”
Me: “Well, I enjoy my fall wardrobe, and boots.”
FDB: “I hate boots. I wish girls would wear high heels more, they’re much sexier.”

At this point I’m starting to lose my patience, and my politeness is fading, because dude just insulted boots and I love nothing more than a good pair of boots. Hey I just spent an absurd amount of money on a pair.  Finally I managed to grab my friend’s eyes and ask if they were almost ready to go.

FDB: “So, can I get your number?”
Me: (thinking about giving him a fake one, but then I was afraid he’d call it right away and I’d be found out) “Sure.” I put it in his phone.
FDB: “Great. So I’ll probably be off the grid for a while because ya know, it’s summer and I’m busy, but I’ll call you.  We’ll go out.”
Me: (Trying very hard to contain my laughter) “Great, sounds fantastic.” (dripping with sarcasm).

I really was shocked at his stupidity, I mean even if I had wanted him to call, does he really think he has a chance after dropping a line like that?  Anyway, much to my shock I got a text from him on Saturday night.  Now, let’s dissect all the aspects of it that annoyed me, my thoughts are in red.

Hey Kel (ok hi, we are not friends, you met me once, don’t go all calling me Kel like we’re besties. Also you should probably remind whoever you’re texting of your name, because I sure as hell don’t remember it)… we met Wednesday at SK’s… hope ur having a sick (sick? really? no.) weekend.  Lets get together sometime next week. Are u in town next weekend? (well which is it next week or weekend?)

Obviously, I did not text back, but I kept the message in my phone to laugh at when I need a good one.  Men are idiots, and I do not have the patience for this crap, haha.



8 Responses

  1. I hate “let’s get together”. Like it’s a command.

    Ask, bro. In this case, he should also say please because you’re “so much older” and it’s the polite thing to do in the presence of elders.


  2. so many terrible things.

    So many.

  3. i f*cking hate negging!

    i don’t know if it’s like a well-known thing or if i just read the entire internet so i think it is, but when a guy puts you down just to make you feel like you need to prove yourself to him–it’s the worst.

    “boots?! boots are gross. heels are sexy.”

    go away, little boy.

  4. It really is ridiculous how stupid dating is, and how douchey boys are these days. I say boys because there are so many young ‘ens out there! But you will find someone great. If I am saying something positive like that, you know it must be true.

  5. Oh man. Seriously? Wow.

    Maybe you should rely on fixups from friends. That would be my choice.

  6. Ummm . . . I’ve never heard a guy say he didn’t like boots. I’m pretty sure they’re highly sexual. Fool.
    Dating is awful. I am avoiding it at all costs, but of course, my whole non-dating system hasn’t worked out well at all. I’ve still managed to find myself some pretty fantastic douchebuckets. For example, the guy that told me he’d umm . . . hang out . . . if I “brought a friend.”
    Yah. No.

  7. Bahaha… guys are idiots. As a bartender, it illegitimately AMAZES me how guys try to pick girls up..

  8. I feel for ya … I have definitely met quite a few db’s in the dating scene & I am SO glad to know that I’m not the only one it bugs when people I just met shorten my name!

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