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Day 13

Last night I had a dream that I went out to Wisconsin, and with one look and kiss, everything was forgotten and forgiven. Then I woke up this morning and had to face reality.

Back in June 2009 I was also broken up with, in an Applebees parking lot.  You guys know this, I’ve mentioned it before.  At the time I thought I’d never again suffer a heartbreak as devastating as that one.  By the time I pulled myself out of the sadness and depression after that break-up, I’d lost 20 lbs, owned a car I couldn’t really afford, and it was like October.  Then Darren and I got back together, and my confidence in never having my heart-broken again grew and grew.  It was an awesome feeling, to know I was with the man I’d spend the rest of my life with and perhaps because of that I felt too safe.

We’d have stupid arguments that I didn’t really put any weight in, because we were going to get married and we bought a house!  Maybe that was ultimately my mistake in the end, and what led to him absolutely losing his shit one night two weeks ago and ending everything.  I don’t know, and I probably never will, but all I know is that heart-break two years ago was like a walk in the park compared to what I’m feeling now.

I only made it through that first week by convincing myself that this was just a fight, he didn’t really want to break up and after a few days he would cool off and come around.  I wrote him an email telling him how sorry I was, and how much I loved him, and how I knew we could work through whatever had happened.  An email that went unacknowledged and not responded to. When my birthday rolled around 5 days later and all I got was “happy birthday” in text message form, I started to lose hope.  When I woke up the next morning to “I hope you had a good birthday.  I talked to the bank about what we need to do about the mortgage, so when you’re ready to talk about it we can”. I knew there was nothing else I could do.  He didn’t want to discuss anything except that, his mind was made up, it wasn’t a debate that we could have.

That was a bad day, and thankfully I was working from home because I spent most of it sobbing, and I may have opened the vodka at 3 pm.  I’ve maybe felt a little better every day since that one, except on the days he calls to discuss things.  Like yesterday, when I had to will myself to not cry during our phone conversation or sob at my desk afterward.  Conversations made only worse by him asking how I am.  I mean really, how do you think I am?

Since June 26 I’ve lost 11 lbs, 6 of which have been in the last two weeks.  Don’t worry, I had the weight to lose so I’m not wasting away, but as a former sufferer from anorexia I’m well aware of the warning signs blaring in my face.  My life has all of a sudden spiraled out of control, and watching my weight drop week after week and controlling that is awesome.  I think the mere fact that I’m aware of that is a good sign, and there’s probably nothing to worry about, but it’s still there in the background.

Hopefully soon I’ll be able to sleep without the aid of Unisom and wine, because as unhealthy a combination as that may be, not sleeping is probably worse.  I just keep waiting for the day when I’ll wake up without a crushing pain in my chest.

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15 Responses

  1. I am glad you are blogging about it. I feel like saying it out loud is a GREAT coping mechanism (at least it has been for me as of late with all the baby struggles). I also want to say that YOU ARE STRONG and don’t let this control you. I know that is so hard, believe me, but remember you still have control. The weight thing (honestly) scares me a little and I am gld you said it out loud but even that isn’t going to make you not go down that path again. I wish I could give you a big hug.

    • I realized how this reads and I need to clarify. I just meant that saying you aren’t going to get obsessive about food isn’t going to be the only thing that makes it not happen. You have to choose to not let it happen. I think you are gorgeous..I always have. Just remember that, okay?

  2. After my first serious breakup, my friend gave me Ani Difranco’s Dilate album, told me to listen to it a dozen times and then call her. Nothing like angry dyke music to help you get over a guy.

    XO

  3. What you’re writing is so similar to what I was going through last spring. I mean I would go through bottles of wine a week and I lost so much weight also. I remember at one point my mom said something to me about eating dinner as I was pouring another glass of wine and I told her I would rather just drink this wine and pass out so I can do this whole hell of a day again tomorrow. It was bad and I was more upset then I ever thought I could be. It did get better. I think you’re on the right path since you said everyday seems to be getting a little better. Even if it’s a tiny bit, that’s good. I can’t wait till the day you feel good waking up again. I don’t wish that pain I felt on anyone..well besides the one that broke you heart to begin with 🙂

  4. I’m glad you’re taking care of yourself. Vodka consumption aside (totally necessary), this is important. Because yes, you’re hurting, but right now, the one person you most need to look out for is yourself. The first day you wake up without the ache is going to be wonderful. 🙂

  5. i have read your blog for a very long time now and rarely comment, if ever. As heart breaking as this is, I’m glad to see you are open enough to write about and hopefully in return you know you really are not alone at all. And unfortunately so so many of us have gone through what you are now. I know you don’t know me, but I promise it WILL get better, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

  6. This is the best thing you can do for yourself. Just be honest and open to healing. It will be so hard, but you always learn something from things like this. LOVE YOU!

  7. You’re right, the fact that you recognize the warning signs is huge, and I think that as long as you don’t ignore them you’ll be fine in that respect. It’s a really fine line though, and I’ve scared myself with it before too. When your hearts broken and everything is such a mess, having control over just that one thing can feel just a little bit too good.
    You are strong though. It will get a little easier every day though, and in the meantime just make sure you take the best care of yourself you can.

  8. I think you are on the right track. I too use alcohol to cope and no matter what people say… It helps! Be careful with your weight, its a good sign that you’re talking about everything, but just be careful. Just keep your friends, and your bottle opener close!

  9. I’m so sorry, Kelly 😦 Hang in there! I know it’s not easy. But you have so many friends and family members who love you and are here for you!

  10. I think weight loss is a totally natural symptom of heartbreak. But just like the hurt and the sadness and the frustration, it will eventually get better, just make sure you’re taking care of yourself as best you can for now.

  11. Reading your blog makes my own heart ache. I’m so sorry you have to go through this.
    I have been another “woodwork reader” for some time and always looked up to the course of your relationship and how calmly you guys handled the LDR. I’m so sorry yours ended as roughly as I did. It does not seem fair and I hope one day you will be able to chat easily and get the closure you need.
    Things will be ok!! You deserve it. Just wanted you to know you have another fan on your side.

  12. Sleep is definitely crucial, honey. As bad as you might feel right now, just reading this post you come across very much aware of your situation and feelings. That tells me you’re going to be okay. 🙂 More than okay.

  13. Big HUG all the way from Christchurch New Zealand :0)

  14. Oh lovely, this post made me cry for you. I’ve been through heart break, yes, but like that.. I can’t imagine. If there was any way I could make it go away for you, I’d do it in a second. Just remember all those people out here who love you (the stupid blogger people), your family, friends, how beautiful you are, inside and out, and that life goes on. You’re going to be ok. I promise.

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