Sexual Monday with Jess

**While I’m away getting my tan, drink, and vacation on, I asked some of my favorite ladies to guest post for me, and write about things they wouldn’t want to post on their own blogs.  Things got extremely entertaining, so I hope you enjoy these posts, and I’ll be back… Eventually.**

Well hello there, MVV readers.  I’m Jess. (Sidenote, when I read this I sang it in the New Girl theme song tone)

I usually blog here. But today I blog here.

I’m honored to do a guest post for the lovely Kelly today, because not only is homegirl hilarious, but she shares my undying love for all things J Crew and is a fellow member of the super tall ladies club.  What up.  Oh, that’s right, us.

In the last few weeks, a few of us blogger-friends have been partaking in email discussions pertaining to the topic of.. well sex.  We all know that sex is something that most women have a hard time discussing.  I’ll admit, I’m definitely not the first one to bring up the topic.  But since this little meeting of the minds has begun, not only have I become much more open talking about la seks, but I’ve also learned a trick or two. (Thanks ladies!)  So in honor of Kelly’s romantical trip with her lova to the sensual Caribbean isle of Jamaica, and the fact that it’s the exact same resort my lova (ok, husband) and I honeymooned in last year, I figured it would be appropriate to do a post about:

5 Ways to Seduce Yo Man Without Being Totally Awkward

Let’s face it, in most cases (not all), men are the initiators.  Maybe it’s because we’re busy, I don’t know, making life perfect, but 99% of the time, that’s how it goes.  Every now and then, you should try to be the one to get it started.  Here are 5 little tips to help you do just that.

1.  Don’t just wait until your hammered to make a move.  We’ve all got a lot more confidence when we’ve had a few cocktails, and our inhibitions are down.  But don’t just wait until you’re not sure if you’re having a threesome (because you’re seeing two of your man) to pounce.  While it’s no doubt enjoyable for the both of you, chances are the next day you won’t remember who made the first move anyways, so really it’s a wash.

2.  Don’t be so coy.  I think we’ve probably all seen the scene in “The Break Up” when Jennifer Aniston marches her perfect little naked ass through the living room like a tanned piece of bait, primed for the taking.  Now if I had her body, I’d probably go get the mail naked, but don’t just expect that to be your signal.  Maybe you’re just running to the laundry room to get your favorite pair of underwear.  Maybe you’ve just slathered yourself in self-tanner and don’t want to turn your shirt orange.  Make it crystal clear that you’re ready to commence the making of the love and don’t just expect a wink and a strut are getting the message across.

3.  Think outside the bedroom.  Sure the thought of being ravished atop your silky 400 count Egyptian cotton sheets with your door securely locked is perhaps your first choice, but be adventurous!  Perhaps there’s a lovely area rug in your living room by the fireplace you’d like to break in.  And that frilly little apron from Anthropologie hanging in your kitchen that has never been used could surely use a little action.  Next time you make dinner, you might have something other than the smell of a delicious meal cooking to smile about…

4.  Embrace the Element of Surprise.  Wouldn’t it be nice to come home to a clean house, dishes put away, dinner in the oven and a glass of wine waiting on the table for you?  Well, you waiting in an old slutty college Halloween costume with a smile on your face and a beer in your hand is the equivalent of that for your significant other.  “Hi honey, I’m home” and I’m never leaving again…

5.  Tell Him What You Like.  And then ask him to do it.  If he’s doing something that’s just not really making the earth shake, don’t let him think he’s getting somewhere.  BE HONEST.  The point of sex is to please one another, so help him please you!  Hearing women talk about sex is hot.  It’s taboo and we don’t want to sound bossy, but I assure you, it’s better to lay it out and you’ll both be happier because of it.

So that concludes: 5 Ways to Seduce Yo’ Man Without Being Totally Awkward.

Hopefully at this very moment Kelly & Dar are taking in all the beauty that is Montego Bay… and well… enjoying one another’s company.  The poor kids only see each other a few times a year for Gods sakes!  I also hope these tips were at least somewhat helpful.  And if you are already a tigress in the sack, well than hat’s off to you madame!  Share your wealth of knowledge with the rest of us!  Happy seducing…

Special thanks to Steph, Amy, Kacy and Kelly (that’s me!) for inspiring the Sexpertise.
(PS mom, if you’re reading this, I was abducted by aliens.)
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10 Responses

  1. hehehehehehe….

    That is all.

    Oh… and nice post, Jess! 🙂

  2. I need to find a man to seduce.

  3. I love this, and am considering bookmarking it for future use. 🙂

  4. Yesss. The world should benefit from our expertise.

  5. It is definitely true in my relationship that 99.9% of the time Keith is the initiator but that is mainly because he ALWAYS beats me to the punch. 🙂 I am pretty sure if sex was a sport Keith would be a professional! ha!

  6. “…you waiting in an old slutty college Halloween costume with a smile on your face and a beer in your hand is the equivalent of that for your significant other…”

    Really the beer is unnecessary at that point, at least till a little while later.. 😉

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