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Opening Up

I have a confession to make.  I’m not really sure if I’m successful with this, but here on the blog I try to come off as a confident, secure person who really doesn’t give a shit.  The truth is, a lot of the time I’m super insecure and kind of sad.

If my roommates are in their rooms when I get home for the night and I don’t see them or talk to them, I worry that I might have done something to annoy them.  Along with that, sometimes I wonder if they like living with me as much as I like living with them, or if they liked it more when it was just the two of them.

I try really hard to make it seem like I don’t care what people think, or if they like me, but the truth is I do care.  A lot.  Actually that’s not completely true, random strangers or people I’m not friends with, I don’t care if they think I’m a bitch, but if I feel like my friends are mad at me for something it really bothers me.

Before I moved to Virginia, I spent a lot of time in PA feeling like I had no friends and no one would really miss me if they never hung out with me again.  I actually still kind of feel like that even after moving here.

I constantly feel on edge and like I have to impress the people I’m around.  I made a joke on Saturday night, and the fact that people genuinely laughed made me feel better than it should have.

I hate my body and the way I look every, single, day.  Not all day every day, but at some point every day.  No amount of positive comments by myself or others has ever changed that, and I don’t think it will.

I have a pretty good idea of where all these feelings come from.  I was a huge geek when I was younger, teased, no friends, very lonely.  I had glasses, braces, and went through awkward years just like everyone, I was also surrounded by mean girls for years who found joy in picking on others.  There was one year of school when I went to the nurse every day begging to be sent home because I was so miserable.

High school was only marginally better, I went to an all girls school so there were still the mean girls, but luckily there were more of us and I was able to find a group of friends.  I also grew out of my awkward years and started to have boyfriends, which is always a confidence booster.  College I really had the chance to reinvent myself, and bonded with a core group of four girls who are still my best friends.  Unfortunately, college apartments come four rooms to a place, and when I found out my four only friends decided to live together without me, I spent the night sobbing on the phone to Darren.

Senior year of college I wasn’t invited on either of the spring break trips my friends went on, and had to hear about them exploring Europe and the Caribbean without me.  I’ve spent a lot of time sad, hurt, and worried that people don’t like me and I’m really tired of it but I don’t know how to stop those feelings.  People say I’m mean and a bitch, and I’m pretty sure that’s just a defense mechanism to try and keep people from hurting me.

I didn’t write this to get sympathy comments or whatever, I just think it’s important to let people know every once in awhile that the life you write about isn’t all sunshine and roses.  I know I read blogs and am jealous of the lives people project and sometimes forget that they probably have problems too.  So those are mine.  Sometimes it may seem like I have it all together, a man who has loved me every day for the past 10 years, a job, good friends, and life coming together exactly how I want it to, but I’m constantly sitting here thinking it will all fall apart with the snap of my fingers.

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43 Responses

  1. I think we all feel like that from time to time. I think it’s really good that you put it out there. I think blogs are great things–but they can skew your image of yourself and allow you to compare your life to this “fantasy” life that some bloggers may portray. Way to be honest!

  2. We all have our problems, and I think we can all relate to those feelings. I like to think that as we get older, we start to sort through, and grow out of the self consciousness. But its probably always there.
    Putting this all out there was a super brave thing to do, and hopefully it makes you feel a little better. Regardless, I think you are a beautiful person, inside and out.

    • I think the later into my 20s I get, the more secure I’m getting. I’m at least secure enough to realize most of my insecurities come from things I make up in my head. Thank you Leah, I think you are too.

  3. So many people (and bloggers) can relate to what you just wrote, they just aren’t always open about it. I know I have read some blogs and even though I am perfectly happy with my life sometimes I find myself jealous thinking they have PERFECT lives but then you step back and realize you only see what they want you to see.

    I think you’re brave and more secure than you think by being open with such an honest and raw post.

  4. It’s a nice thought that we grow out of our childhood/teenage awkwardness, isn’t it? Too bad it doesn’t really work that way.

    I can relate to a lot of this, too. On my blog, people say I come across as this super-witty, super-confident, super-outgoing person. In real life, the only thing I am is super-awkward. At least at first.

    Anyway, keep your chin up. No one’s perfect!

    • Isn’t it though? I’m still waiting to grow out of it. You definitely do come off that way, and a damn good paint drawer. Which I am supremely jealous of.

  5. Wow, thank you for being so honest. I have definitely been there, myself, especially in the middle school years. My friends would just decide they didn’t like me, and then a snowball effect would happen, and I’d go almost a full year with people not liking me for no reason. In fact Melissa (livelaughloverun) was the only one who never turned on me.

    In HS I found the girls who are still my best friends. Yes, I def. felt that insecurity and lack of trust at times with them, too, and it creeps up still. Like if someone doesn’t return a text, or I try and make plans and no one complies, or two of the girls are closer than the rest of us, I have that moment of “omg she’s sick of me, and wishes I’d go away”.. But a majority of the time, it is just my mind being paranoid; that sad 13 year old coming out. At the end of the day we’d do, literally, anything for each other. I appreciate how lucky I am.

    I think it’s part of being a girl.Ovaries do crazy shit to us. Boys are so lucky to not have to think about this stuff!

    I’m SO SO SO sorry you’ve had to deal with all of this. I know exactly how damaging and stressful it can be. People who’ve never been through it could never understand. In middle school I’d cry to my parents at night, begging to stay home the next day.

    I wish I had known you felt this way when you lived closer; I’d have been your friend : )

    This may sound weird but honestly, if you ever want to just vent this stuff out, shoot me an email. I really should have been a therapist, I do really well listening to people’s problems! I’m not just saying that, either; I’d be happy to listen. Again….been there.

    • yikes maybe I should have sent YOU an email and not written an epistle haha. Didn’t realize how long that was…

    • Thank you so much for this comment. True story, the main reason I didn’t go to your high school was because the mean girls that always picked on me in grade school were all going there and I needed to get away from them. Yeah, I often feel like the same sad 13 year old girl too. Blah, I wonder if men ever feel like this. Bastards.

  6. We all definitely feel like this, but so few of us say it. I think blogging allows us to put our best possible selves out there for the world to see.

    Your roomies may just need some downtime. When I lived with a [former] best friend, I would be so worn out from the day that I didn’t wanna chit-chat at night. Sometimes you just want to chill.

    But if it starts happening more consistently, open up and ask them if something’s wrong. It may turn out to not be you, but something that’s bothering them in their own lives.

    *hugs* You’re beautiful and wonderful.

    • Yeah, I can be a bit chatty at the end of the day because no one talks to me all day at work, haha. I understand the need for downtime. Thanks for the virtual hug!

  7. Giiirrrrllll… I didn’t go through my awkward years UNTIL highschool. Talk about awkward. Or uh… let’s not talk about it at all… lol

    But yeah, we all have the down days and “moments”. Don’t worry. I think every girl is like this to some extent or another. I end up just brushing alot off and telling myself, “whatev. I’m fucking awesome.” It gets me through. 🙂

    • Haha, having glasses and braces at the same time, and being taller than everyone was ROUGH! Haha I’m going to have to adopt your attitude.

  8. I’ve ALWAYS loved you for you, Kelbel, ever since I followed you around in a toga Junior year trying to be your friend. No one is perfect (not even the mean girls) and we all have our insecurities, but those things make us unique. Keep concentrating on all the positive things in your life you mentioned at the end of your post 🙂 I, for one, aint going anywhere. Can’t wait to see you over Easter!

  9. I can totally relate to this! I had a really crappy time with friends growing up. I always felt a little bit left out and uncool, even when I became part of the “popular” crowd and that feeling never really went away. In college, I was extremely guarded when it came to making friends because I didn’t want them to turn their backs on me like a lot of other friends had.
    When people are mad at me or I think they might be mad at me, I feel terrible and can’t deal with it. It can definitely ruin an otherwise good day.
    I try to project a calm, cool attitude on the blog also – but I think it’s pretty easy to see that I’m often a little lonely and uncertain. I guess that’s just a natural part of growing up and trying to figure life out.
    I definitely always feel like things are going to fall apart and I have a hard time enjoying it when things go well.
    But I think you’re awesome and so not a bitch and I hope we hang out lots when I move to D.C.!

    • Haha well I’m glad you don’t think I’m a bitch! I really hope I get to see you tomorrow night. I hate how something that happened so many years ago still can have such a hold over us.

  10. Woah, that was a long comment. My bad.

  11. I feel like that too. I always think that my friends are mad at me for something. Hell, sometimes I think that bloggers are annoyed at me if they don’t comment on my posts!

    I want to hang out the next time I come to DC. Promise that we will! I don’t know when this next time will be but probably in the spring or early summer at some point.

  12. We all have problems for sure! I also find myself reading my blogs and think “WOW..I sound just high on life in all of these posts”..when in reality, that’s not the case at all. Just remember that you’re a beautiful girl and I love reading what you have to say. Cheer up 🙂

  13. Hey Kelly, I have been reading your blog for a while but I haven’t left a comment yet. I just wanted to say thanks for this post and that I can relate. I read a lot of blogs and I just love posts like this, sure it sucks everything that you’ve gone through and the feelings you have, but they are real, and they make the reader relate to you even more. Truthfully I can get really jealous of a lot of blogs that I read- I took a ton of out my reader recently because of that… Life isn’t always perfect. Oh, and I always think everyone hates me. It’s CRAZY!

    • Well thanks for commenting! I’ve been feeling the same way about a lot of the blogs I read lately, which is why I kind of wanted to do this. So many girls just write about the positive things happening, I feel like it’s unrealistic to put only that part of your life out there.

  14. We all have demons in our heads telling us negative crap. I think you’re hilarious and would love to be your friend.

  15. I can totally relate! I went through a period early in college where I felt like I had no friends…and that summer when I went home I was miserable. It was all because of some douchebag guy I was dating. I didn’t see anyone other than him and he made me feel horrible about myself. I was jealous of my friends from high school and sad for an entire 6 months. I ditched the boy and started hanging out with them again (and made new friends at school!) and everything got better from there.

    Thanks for being honest about how it’s not all sunshine all the time. You seem to be really fun to be around, though, so don’t let the bad days get you down!

    • I never kept in touch with friends from high school, so I always felt alone when I was home from college during the summers. It was the worst. Thanks for your comment.

  16. I think we all have our own struggles. Truth…I’m not a happy person either. Being happy is a constant struggle every. single. day. I hate my body too and spend way too much time obessesing over every little inch of it. My heart bleeds for you because I 100% know exactly how you feel. Hang in there. The best thing that ever happened to me was Keith and it sounds like Darren is perfect for you too. Try looking at yourself through his eyes.

    • I do the same thing, I can’t go the the bathroom with out obsessively studying something on my body. I’m glad you have Keith! Dar is constantly telling me I’m the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen, I wish I could see myself like that.

  17. Girl I’m with you. I worry all the time about people liking me/being mad at me, etc. Stems from the same thing. Girls (a lot of them anyway) are straight up bitches in school and it can leave scars. I hate that I’m so insecure.

    It can be scary when you get everything you wanted because it means you have a lot to lose, but don’t focus on that, just focus on giving Darren all your love 🙂

  18. I firmly believe you don’t become super self-certain until your 30s, or 40s. The best we can do now is try to learn more about ourselves…and it seems like you are self-aware enough to see how you perceive your personality. Not gonna lie – I spend every day in front of the classroom feeling super-bummed that my students don’t like me. And then every other minute telling myself it doesn’t matter – I just have to believe in what I’m doing. Maybe that sentiment can be translated into daily life.

    But, yeah, we all got probs. Anyone who says she doesn’t has the biggest probs of all.

    • I hope so, because I just keep waiting to grow out of my insecurities. Students never like teachers though, haha, so don’t take it personally. I’m sure they like you more than some other ones.

  19. I know that I can definitely relate to you… I’m sure that many of us can. I am always questioning if I said the wrong thing. It drives me nuts! I’m sure that your roommates absolutely love you.. how could they not?? You are truly beautiful and you are an amazing person!

  20. You just have to be you, and nobody else! Being brutally honest with ourselves, is so hard to do, but SO worth it and very much needed at times! Proud of you for doing this! We can’t be happy, peppy people 110% of the time, and that’s totally okay 🙂

  21. i complete feel you on the roommate thing. i hate when my roommates stay in their rooms all afternoon/evening…i am always wondering if they are upset with me or if i didn’t something wrong. i’m a social roomie..i always stay in the living room until bed time because i hate just sitting in my room…but some people are just different. senior year, one of my roommate would go to class then come back and stay in bed the whole afternoon, until the next morning…i was always thinkin if something was wrong..then just realized that was who she is…a napper who just liked staying in bed. ha

  22. […] the comments, emails, and support it generated most definitely were.  When I hit publish for my Opening Up post, it was one of the most nerve-wracking times in my short two years of blogging, but helped to […]

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