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Adventures in Crazytown

It’s the week after Christmas which means New Years is right around the corner, and with New Years come New Years Resolutions.  I’ve never been big on resolutions, stuck with the standard work out more, and quit smoking blah blah blah.  What I hate, HATE about New Years Resolutions is how the gym becomes so stupidly crowded with the “I’m going to get in shape and lose 25 pounds” NYR crowds.  Come on, who are you kidding we both know that in a month you’ll be back on your couch watching Biggest Loser with your potato chips.  Now get your ass off my treadmill.  The only positive thing is that I have tons of people to look at and judge, not that I judge you Internet, never you.  Here are the notes that I wish I could give a few of the people who have caught my eye in the past few days alone.

Dear Gorilla Man,
I understand that all your arm and leg hair probably makes it very hot when you work out, but do you think you could put on a longer pair of shorts next time?  I don’t really need to see every inch of your thigh or up your shorts when you are stretching.  Also, investing in a towel to bring to the gym might not be a bad idea.  Your fur coat tends to leave a sweat residue and I have my own sweat to worry about, I would really like it if I didn’t have to lay in yours while doing sit ups also.

Thanks,
Kelly

Dear Tramp Stamp Girl,
I have no problem with tattoos, I happen to have one also and very much like mine.  I don’t really think the gym is the place to wear a too small Nike workout top to show it off however.  Save that shiz for bikini wearing season at the beach.  Also, just a helpful hint, you might get a better workout in if you put down your cellphone for five minutes, pump the treadmill speed up past 3.5 mph, and save the magazine reading for your manicure and pedicure.  I know those acrylics take awhile to dry.

Thanks,
Kelly

Dear Mr. BO Who Thinks He’s a Drummer in a Band,
You smell.  End of story.  Even when you are three treadmills away from me, it pains me to have to breathe in through my nose.  Do you not wash your workout clothes?  I don’t understand.  Also, I know your music is probably super awesome and the beat just incredible, but this is not Rock Band.  You really look like a huge jackass wandering around the gym air drumming, and running and air drumming.  I know it throws your balance off, I’ve seen you have to grab onto the hand bars.  Please, for the sake of everyone who is forced to workout near you, invest in some soap and laundry detergent and save the drumming for later.

Thanks,
Kelly

and finally…

To the 3 Future Skin Cancer Patients of America,
I applaud you for taking care of your bodies and working out regularly, but what good is a healthy heart if you’re dead.  Have you girls been living under a rock for the past few years?  Tanning beds cause skin cancer, and seeing as it is the end of December I’m pretty sure you’re orangey/tan glow is not from natural sunlight.  And don’t try to tell me it’s a spray tan, I can tell the difference.  Also, it is perfectly acceptable to go to the gym alone, I do it all the time.  Are the three of you joined at the hip?  What happens if there aren’t three treadmills next to each other?  Do you wait?  So girls, get out of the tanning bed and detach from one another.

Thanks,
Kelly

Phew, I feel better now.

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4 Responses

  1. Dont get me started on judgemental hip tattoo girl with the runny nose

  2. hahahaahah THE OPEN LETTERS ARE AMAZING.

  3. Kell, I could not stop laughing at those 4 essays on your workout buddies!! I almost laughed up a lung!! Aren’t all those people in every gym in America?? Kell, you are going to be famous someday!!

    Love,
    Uncle Dave

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